


Three of a Kind

by EstaJay



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Because someone has to address the fact that Michael Lee Brown has played all three of them, Mistaken Identity, and Kleinsen Tree Bros and Sincerely Three becomes all the more awkward, identical strangers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-01
Updated: 2017-10-23
Packaged: 2019-01-07 15:40:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12235827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EstaJay/pseuds/EstaJay
Summary: First day of senior year.Jared tries to revive his dying friendship with Evan after years of just being "family friends" except...when did Evan ditch trees and go emo?Connor is fed up that his dad's job has moved them once again to another new town and now he has some weird kid folllowing him around - and shit, why do they have the same face?Evan should be glad that a pretty girl decided to bring him home but apparently she's mad at him for some reason and thinks that he's her brother?OrIn which Jared stops a sucide attempt, Connor is having some crazy hallucinations when sober and Evan is accidentally kidnapped/adopted by the Murphys.





	1. Jared

**Author's Note:**

> *And to your left you can see the procrastinating high school student which has migrated from card game anime to musicals, bringing the confusions and misconceptions of same-face teenagers*

Jared never needed a mirror to know what his face looks like. All he had to do was turn to his right and there would be Evan with identical pasty skin and brown hair. They were mirror images of each other, physically at least. This wouldn’t be a problem if they were actually twins but they weren’t. 

Evan was the son of Heidi Hansen, his mom’s best friend from high school to college. Aunt Heidi wasn’t related to either of his parents,no matter how far back they traced their family trees (and neither was her ex-husband but no ever talked about the bastard who left his wife and kid for some cocktail waitress from who-know’s-where) yet for some reason their sons looked exactly the same. 

It was a funny story how they actually found out. Yes, their moms had kept in touch and yes, they had taken every opportunity they could share photos of their little boys but the fact that Jared and Evan looked even remotely similar didn’t seen to hit until they accidentally brought the boy home at a high school reunion.  

Jared had been too immersed in his Gameboy to realise that the lady gently pushing his shoulder wasn’t his mommy and the car he was getting into wasn’t his car. He only realised the car ride seemed to be longer than normal and there was yelling because Jared knew he didn’t live that far away from the stupid function place and his mommy and daddy never yelled or argued or anything. It was at that point the younger Jared had decided to look up from his gym battle and noticed the lady’s hair was too long to be his mommy and that the man’s hair was blond not brown like his daddy’s. It was at that point Jared screamed bloody murder and started begging his not-parents to take him back to his real parents and to please not hurt him followed by him rattling off every phone number that his parents had him memorise. Immediately recognising the names and numbers that their ‘son’ had started spouting, Heidi had pulled her phone out and started shouting directions at her then-husband. 

Jared’s six year old self had raced through his house and into the kitchen the moment the Hansens’ car had stopped in the driveway to see another boy in  _ his  _ chair drinking from  _ his  _ cup with  _ his  _ face being comforted by  _ his  _ mommy and daddy. 

“You stole my parents!” was his first words to Evan Hansen. 

Evan had immediately broken down into tears with choked apologies between harsh sobs. Jared’s childish anger and evaporated and he was left standing dumbly as his parents tried to calm the other boy down. It was the first of many moments of disassociation. Like he was having an out of body experience because was  _ that  _ was he looked like with tears streaming down his cheeks and a nose filled his snot? Was his daddy’s hands really that big compared to his tiny ones? Jared had felt like shit because he didn’t just make another boy cry, he had made  _ himself  _ cry. 

What happened afterwards was a flurry of genetic tests and harsh words traded between Mr Hansen and his parents and Aunt Heidi while he and Evan were left in another room sitting awkwardly net each other pretending that they couldn’t hear when in fact they very  _ could _ . Jared had never thought of trying to talk to Evan while their parents’ were having their ‘grown-up talks’. He thought that it was stupid, like talking to his reflection in the mirror. During that time, Jared had never seen Evan as an actual person or even knew his name. Evan had just been an unwanted clone, a mirror-him but without a mirror. Even when the results had come back, showing that they were genetically unrelated and it was just a one-in-gazillion chance where different DNA ended up making the exact same physical appearance; even after the dozens of playdates afterwards where Jared would be glued to his gaming consoles and Evan would amuse himself with his toy trucks; Jared didn’t seen Evan as Evan until the day Mr Hansen left.

Jared from the start had never liked Mr Hansen; he always had that cold distant look in his eyes that said he wanted to be anywhere else but here and he always seemed to forget to pick up Evan from the Kleinman house which often left Evan in tears until Aunt Heidi would pick him up after work or school, looking more and more tired each and every time and just didn’t seem to  _ care  _ about his son at all.

When that bastard had left for good in that U-Haul truck, Evan slept over for a couple of weeks while Aunt Heidi was sorting out the divorce papers. It was then Jared  _ really  _ noticed the boy with his face who’d come over every other week. Evan was Evan, not just another Jared, because Evan had snuck out and thrown all his toy trucks away; and Evan had devoured his mommy’s tree encyclopedias like they were comic books; and Evan would thumb his fingers into the hem of his shirt when he got nervous; and Evan would stutter and stumble over words and say ‘sorry’ every other sentence; and Evan didn’t have a daddy anymore because Mr Hansen was a  _ giant asshole- _

To say the least, that was the point where Jared could confidently say his friendship with Evan had started, when he would put his games aside to listen to Evan ramble about the coolest tree fact he had learned even though Jared thought they were boring; when he would make jokes about everything and anything to get Evan to smile; when he would crawl into Evan’s sleeping bag where he was trying to cry himself to sleep and rub circles into his back like his mommy would do when Jared was sad; when he  _ finally  _ learned how to share when Jared declared one day “Who cares about your stupid dad, you can share mine!” because he never wanted to his face, no, _ Evan  _ look that sad ever again.

At the tender age of seven, Jared would have confidently declared that Evan Hansen was his bestest friend and they were going to be friends forever until they were old and wouldn’t make the same stupid mistake that their parents did and take the wrong kid home. 

When Evan and Aunt Heidi moved to the same town, into that small two bedroom house across the street from Jared’s, three years later everyone had expected the friendship between the two boys to grow stronger now that they could see each other every day and go to the same school and hang out in all the cool places that they couldn’t before. Except it didn’t.

At school, the teachers were always getting Jared mixed up with Evan and Evan mixed up with Jared, even if they were in different classes and Jared’s friends would say that they would wait for him outside only for them to disappear because, whoops, sorry Jared we thought Evan was you and people were always asking if they were like twins separated at birth because they looked so alike that it was always hard to tell who was who. 

It didn’t help that was also around the time that Evan was diagnosed with social anxiety. Young Jared had thought that the therapy and pills would make the illness magically disappear, that maybe Evan wouldn’t be so nervous whenever they walked to school or start crying when it was his turn for show-and-tell or disappear into the bathroom because there were too many people around, but no that never really left and Jared couldn’t really accept that as part of who Evan was. 

The other kids didn’t help at all. They would ask why Jared had to leave school yesterday but no, that was Evan, and that he saw him crying in the bathroom during recess but no, that was Evan, and why was he so nervous and sweaty and weird all the time but no, that was Evan Evan  _ Evan.  _

When Jared had to get glasses, the first thing he did was storm up to Evan, point a finger to his chest and demand that he doesn’t get glasses too so that people would stop thinking I’m  _ you.  _ Evan didn’t turn up for school for the rest of that week. 

Middle school was when Jared really started pulling away. There were more people which meant more classes which made it less likely that people would know both Evan and Jared. He didn’t see the point in hanging with Evan who was always in the library reading about trees when he could be hanging with Jake on the oval or Christine in the music rooms or just anywhere else with cool people that called him friend and didn’t mistake him for Evan. 

That was how it stayed until midway through high school, when Jared’s parents said that he could get his learner’s permit and later that they would pay for his car insurance if he hung out with Evan. Grudgingly, Jared had done so and had Evan sitting at the end of whatever lunch table of whatever friend group he had drifted into for the day and walking with him to class if they so happened to be going the same way. For half of sophomore and all of junior year, Evan had been a human shadow lingering at the edge of Jared’s vision and a small part of him couldn’t help but feel guilty to think that was what their friendship had devolved to. 

The summer before senior year, Jared heard nothing from Evan. No visits, no calls, no texts. He didn’t think that he ever saw him outside of his house. Not that was any from the summer before or the summer before that, besides he had Jake’s pool party then summer camp plus several new games that he wanted to try out and there was no way that he was missing the random tree facts and looking at that smiling face thinking  _ ‘so that’s what my smile’s supposed to look like’  _ and the hugs after crying because he never wanted either of them to look that sad ever again and...

...Jared found his mom’s old tree books, the paper bricks that started Evan’s tree obsession but had been too shy to let his mom give them to him. He cracked one open, the heavy encyclopedia that claimed to have info on every tree on the planet and-

Wobbly but neat scrawl in blue next to the acacia entry -  _ ‘the tree outside me house’... _

_ ‘Professor’  _ in much messy handwriting next to oak, elm and birch in red with the last one having  _ ‘no more Pokemon references!’  _ in blue shoved in the margin followed by  _ ‘make me’  _ in red again then a mess of red and blue scribble…

On the gum tree page -  _ ‘poisonous’  _ in red, 

_ ‘no it’s not, read it’  _ in blue, 

_ ‘dont need to its from austria land of everythings gonna kill ya’ _

_ ‘it’s Australia, not Austria’   _

_ ‘and things are gonna kill ya there’  _

_ >:/ _

_ ‘Wots that?’ _

_ ‘Your  _ “I’m too stubborn to think straight face”’

_ ‘i dont look like that’ _

_ ‘Yes you do, I used a mirror’ _

_ ‘Im gonna break all the mirrors then’ _

_ ‘That’s seven years of bad luck...and then I’ll still have you next to me’ _

Under the wisteria entry -  _ ‘J.K. + E.H, 2 of a kind, friends for forever’... _

...and shit. 

What great friends they have been, ten years later. 

But he was going to fix it. It wasn’t too late yet, right?

...Right?

So on the first day of senior year, Jared waited outside of Evan’s house honking his horn until the neighbours started complaining and his mom came out and told him that Evan had already left. 

But why so early? 

Evan likes taking the bus before it got too crowded so he could get to his locker before everyone started crowding around the locker bays. 

Since when? 

Since high school started. Evan said that’s why he turned down your offer to drive him to school, because he didn’t want to wake you up that early.

My offer?...oh yeah, right...that…

At school, Jared scanned the halls for a familiar flash of striped blue. Evan had loved that blue polo that every time he outgrew it, he would get another set the exact same but only bigger and had been doing so for the past five years. It wasn’t as if he was going to change this year, right? 

But apparently he had because Jared spotted Evan in a black hoodie and tattered jeans by the water fountain. He had no doubts that it was Evan because while clothing can change, nothing could change the face that they shared. 

Jared walked up behind him and slung an arm over Evan’s shoulder, feeling him jump slightly because oh yeah Evan didn’t like it when people snuck up behind him - oh well, too late for that now. 

“Hey! Shopping at Hot Topic now? Didn’t know you were planning on going emo this year. Trees start giving you a cold shoulder - or cold branch I should say...”

But Evan didn’t respond, remaining oddly silent. Shit, did something happen like his grandma or some old relative die or- no stop with the hypotheticals, just try to get him talking. The anxiety in Evan’s head was probably spinning even worse tales for the reasons behind Jared’s sudden advance and the last thing that either of them needed was a panic attack on the first day. Communication makes a relationship afterall.

Jared squeezed Evan a bit tighter. “Oh, c’mon. It was just a joke-”

And then Jared was pushed to the floor. 

Evan Hansen, who always walked with his shoulders hunched over so he wouldn’t brush anyone in the halls; Evan Hansen, who would let loose a flurry of apologies if he even slightly bumped something whether it was another person or an inanimate object; Evan Hansen who had pushed Jared to the ground with his face contorted with such anger and fury that he didn’t think either of them was capable of. Evan Hansen who looked thoroughly  _ pissed.  _

“Oh no, it’s funny. I’m laughing can’t you tell?” But Evan’s face stayed the same and he was  _ clearly  _ not laughing. Jared knew what that looked like and right now this was the farthest from it. “Am I now laughing hard enough for you?”

Evan was...intimidating, terrifying and shit - did they really have the capability to be that scary. Was this what Evan saw when Jared blew up about the glasses thing?

“Th-there’s no n-need to freak-”

“Freak? I’m not the freak, you’re the freak!” Evan yelled.

Then he stormed off, probably stomping a hole through the floor with every step.

Jared laid paralyzed for a moment before brushing himself off and following after his family friend’s, his former-best-friend-that-he-wants-to-be-friends-with-again-and-not-just-for-car-insurance friend, down the hall and even out of the school. He didn’t know that Evan could drive or that he had a car but when the other boy drove off, Jared followed in his own car. 

Yes, there was school; yes, it was the first day of senior year but fuck that.

There was anger all over Evan’s face but there was also something else. It was the slightly flatter arc in his eyebrows. It was the slight droop at the end of his lips. It was that subtle self-loathing that always seemed to linger just below the surface. 

It was  _ that  _ look said Evan was planning on doing something stupid, something  _ really  _ stupid. 

And Jared wasn’t going to let him slip away just as he was reaching out.     


	2. Connor

That was the first piece of advice Larry had ever given him, back when he still acted like he actually gave a shit. It was the only advice that ever stuck.

 

Don’t pick fights that you can’t win.

 

Connor had been six and had somehow managed to throw a printer at his teacher, snarling at other adult that tried to approach him. It was a time before Larry got that job that had them moving to another state every six months. It was a time before angry family dinners and arguments that simmered for weeks. It was a time when the Murphys could have actually passed as a functioning family, not just the paper thin facade that it was now.

 

Larry had sat him down on at the kitchen table while Cynthia had taken Zoe out to do girly stuff, crouching by the chair where Connor had kept his head down and was swinging his legs aimed at larger shins. It was the first piece of advice and the last time Larry ever tried listening.

 

From then on Larry had that look of utter disappointment, ‘you’re not a child anymore, grow up’. Cynthia had that look of exasperation, 'I’m trying so hard why aren’t you?’. Zoe had that look of detatchment…of fear, 'why are you my brother?’. 'Why are you my brother?’

 

Don’t pick fights you can’t win. Don’t throw the first punch, just walk away and be the bigger man.

 

Yeah, Connor took those words to heart but he had a shity way of following them.

 

That’s why he had weed, so he wasn’t picking fights with his family.

 

That’s why he was driving, so he wasn’t picking fights at school.

 

That’s why he had the pills, so he wasn’t picking fights with life…at least soon he won’t.

 

Connor tried not to pick fights he couldn’t win but every damn time the fight would come to him. The first punch had been thrown before there was even a chance to walk away. He was trapped in a losing battle and the only way out was to get out of the game entirely.

 

Connor had it all planned out. This deadend town was going to be the last for him. He had done the research, googling the shit out of the place the moment Larry had said they were moving again. He knew where to go so that no one would find him. No one would be there to stop him.

 

Now was just pressing the fast-forward button. He would be dead in the end, so why prolong the suffering?

 

Beneath Connor his car groaned and creaked. It was an old thing, practically ancient, but Cynthia and Larry had wanted to teach him a 'lesson in responsibility’ and there was no way that he was driving some eco-friendly hybrid crap. Sadly it worked. Connor fucking loved his jaunty jalopy even if the seats might as well been wood and there was a permanent smell of 'you don’t want to fucking know’. It was the only thing that he felt a little guilty for. The moment he was gone, his car was getting a one way ticket to the junkyard.

 

In the end, it was just a car. It didn’t talk or breathe or get scared - not like the kid he pushed over. That guy was probably trying to be friendly to the new kid and what a lovely thanks he got. The day hadn’t even started and Connor had traumatised a fucking stranger.

 

Why even bother with school? It was a fight he could never fucking win.

 

The scenery was simultaneously new and foreign. The cars, people, buildings even the fucking trees - it wasn’t as if he was in a new country or something, but he was still an outsider. Fuck, he was always the outsider that was stirring trouble and wrecking havoc on everyone’s perfect little lives - and he was always the one looking in from the outside.

 

It all came to a stop too fast and too slow. Something fluttered in his stomach, not his absent preservation instinct but a cynical giddiness. It was a high while completely sober. It was all going to be over soon.

 

The place was some orchard that might have been a family hotspot before it closed down however the fuck long ago. Connor hadn’t bother learning the name of the place. It was better keeping it vague so that he could project on happier times of picnics and crashed planes and parents that were actually fucking parents.

 

Connor parked his car at the gate and left the keys behind. Maybe someone might come along and save it from the scrap heap.

 

The gate had a lock , of course, but it was useless given the gaping hole in the wire mesh.

 

It all felt robotic from there.

 

Walk through the rotting apple mush until he found a spot. Climb a tree. Sit down. Pull out the pills. Screw off the cap.

 

“What are you fucking doing?”

 

And there was hallway kid, in the panting below Connor. Except there was no fucking way it could have been. Why would some kid follow the psycho that just pushed him to an abandoned orchard? Because he cared? What a fucking laugh.

 

“Who are you?” Connor found himself asking anyways.

 

Hallway kid looked insulted. “Really?” He took a couple steps closer and pulled off his glasses. “Looked in a mirror lately?”

 

…and shit, hallway kid had his face. Eyes, ears, mouth, nose - everything. There was absolutely no way he was real.

 

“My missing conscience?” Connor said.

 

Hallway kid put his glasses back on. “Since we’re out here instead I might as well be. To think that your tree kink went this far.”

 

“Tree kink?” Where the fuck did that come from?

 

“A joke…then again you don’t take jokes too well.”

 

“Wouldn’t you know it.” Connor snapped a little too harshly.

 

Hallway kid looked ashamed. Then again so was Connor.

 

“Look.” Hallway kid said, straightening his posture. “I know we haven’t been in touch recently-”

 

Connor scoffed. “That’s one way to put it.”

 

“…and things have been crazy and all that shit - and fuck. How do you say this?”

 

His conscience was lost for words. If that didn’t prove how fucked up he was, Connor didn’t know what else would.

 

“I just…look. Remember the time when we were really close? Back when we were younger and were basically best friends?”

 

If that was back when Connor wasn’t actively fucking everything up for everyone around him then sure, he and his conscience were friends. He nodded.

 

“And then with - you know, with you being you and me being me and uh…just - your dad being the bastard he was and still is, you being actually sick in the head, me leaving you alone and all the others and everyone else-”

 

“Just get on with it.” Who knew having a conscience would mean so much awkward rambling.

 

Hallway kid sighed. “Man, I must sound like you now. Long story short is I’m sorry. For what’s happened over the years, for not being there for you and all that shit…I want to patch things up and go back to way things were. Clean this giant mess between us and start again new.” He looked up with a bright hopeful face that Connor hadn’t made in years. “So what about it?”

 

And Connor laughed.

 

It was too late to fix anything now. His entire family hated him anyways. Telling them that he was going to turn it all around, reinvent himself into some happier version after talking with his conscience? That this was actually going to work and not crash and burn with all his other attempts to change? Not fucking likely.

 

He had probably already swallowed half the pills and was hallucinating. Why else would his conscience appear before him acting like they were estranged friends or something?

 

“It’s too fucking late.” And Connor downed the entire bottle in what a single gulp would allow.

 

Black spots clouded his vision and then Connor was falling. He probably fell back and lost his balance. He probably let go.

* * *

* * *

 

In. Out. In. Out. He was breathing.

 

In. Out. In. Out. In. Out.

 

Which meant…he was alive.

 

Fuck, he was alive.

 

He couldn’t even kill himself properly.

 

Connor reluctantly cracked his eyes open and of course he was in a hospital with however many machines hooked up to him.

 

That meant someone found him.

 

How the fuck did someone find him?

 

He turned his head to the side and there was hallway kid with a blonde nurse next to him. Or more likely his conscience decided to manifest next to the nurse caring for him.

 

“Evan?” The nurse said.

 

“Who?” Connor replied dumbly.

 

“Evan.” Hallway kid said. “Evan Hansen. Your name.”

 

“No, it’s fucking not.” Connor growled. What the fuck was going on?

 

The nurse gave him a pleading look, just like one of Cynthia’s. “Who am I?”

 

“Uh…my nurse?” He squinted to read her name tag. “Umm…Heidi, right?”

 

“Then who am I?” Hallway kid immidiately demanded.

 

“My crappy conscience.” Connor said with a glare.

 

Hallway kid’s eyes widened. “Well wouldn’t you be fucked if that were true.” He joked instead. “The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman, at your service.”

 

“Connor Murphy.” He said slowly.

 

Fuck. So he was real. But then…fuck, why did 'Jared’ have the same face as him? And who was Evan?

 

"What the actual fuck is going on? ” 

 


	3. Evan

_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

_ Today’s going to be a good day and here’s why. _

_ It’s the first day of senior year which means high school’s nearly over. One more year and I’ll be graduating but first there’s the actual  classes  where attendance means more than anything because if I end up missing too much then I’ll automatically fail the class and these will be the grades that count because no one cares about how well you did in the previous years because the colleges will only be looking at  _ this year’s  _ grades and the end of year exams count for over half your grade in all my subjects so if I mess up I’ve practically failed but the passing grade for seniors is thirty percent instead of fifty so that’s good but then what college would look at the application of a kid from a public school who just barely passed and _

No. Not about school and classes and grade.

_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

_ Today’s going to be a good day and here’s why. _

_ Today mom said “I’m proud of you” before going off to work this morning but she has a double shift today and paralegal classes so she won’t be home until about 3am which means I’ll have to order takeout but I take forever to decide and by the time I get to the front of the line I’m haven’t even read the whole menu and the cashier will get annoyed because I’ll keep stuttering and the other people behind me will get angry because I’m taking too long then I’ll probably forget my order number and they’ll be calling my order for an hour and everyone else will get really peeved _

Keep it positive, Evan. Keep it positive.

_ But that’s what ordering online is for right?! _

_ You can take as long as you need to place your order and no one will know that you spent a whole hour deciding your pizza base because it’s all over the internet and websites are like trees, they don’t judge you for taking too long so you can get your order just right without bothering anyone. But then you still have to face the delivery guy who will have to take money from your sweaty hands and then have to stand awkwardly while he counts the change because you can’t make small talk and then you’ll grab the box too quickly and slam the door in his face so he’ll think you’re a rude customer and then he’ll tell his manager and then they’ll never want to deliver your order anymore and _

Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope. 

Start again. 

_ Dear Evan Hansen,  _

_ Today’s going to be a good day and here’s why. _

_ You said hello to Aunt Rachel when you left for school this morning and she looked really happy when she said hello back. Aunt Rachel is always so nice and it’s great that mom has her for a best friend which makes me feel really bad for lying about her about Jared offering to drive me to school. When Jared tells her he never offered, she’ll realise you’ve been lying to her for nearly three years and she’ll hate you because the weird anxious kid who has her son’s face is nothing but a  _ giant liar  _ and then she won’t be friends with mom anymore because of her no good lying son and _

_ And Jared, who used to be your best friend, is just a “family friend” now and only hangs out with you so that his parents will pay for his car insurance and because he realised how creepy it was to be friends with the sweaty guy who has the same face even though you’re not related at all and he’s already pissed that people would get us mixed up and you didn’t even see him at school today. Jared hates you so much that he’d even skip school just to avoid you because his girlfriend thought you were him and so did his ex-boyfriend-who’s-still-his-friend because they haven’t seen him all day and they didn’t even know your name and called you “Jared’s twin” which Jared hates because we’re not actually related and they’ll realise how freaky it is that we’re not actually twins and then Jared’s girlfriend will break up with him and he’ll hate you even more because it’s  _ all your fault

Enough about Jared. No more about Jared. Positive stuff, Dr. Strauss said to write positive stuff. Start again. 

_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

_ Today’s going to be an  _ amazing  _ day and here’s why. _

_ Two new students are transferring here and you volunteered to show them around with Alana Beck who considers you a “close acquaintance” and likes to talk to you and doesn’t mind if you don’t talk back. _

This is...good. It’s a good start. 

_ The new students are Zoe Murphy and her older brother. Yup, the same Zoe Murphy that played guitar really  _ really  _ well in last year’s ‘Battle of the Bands’ concert from a different school is transferring over to this school this year. You could have taken this as an opportunity to introduce yourself to her instead of bailing like last year because your hands were too sweaty and when you tried drying them under the hand dryer it made them just hot and sweaty but since you walked to school you just straight up reeked and was even more sweaty and your boxers were all bunchy and you didn’t pack any deodorant so you hid in the bathroom until third period. Now Alana will hate you for bailing on her and your English and Maths teachers are going to hate you for missing the first classes of the year and Zoe Murphy and her brother will hate you because you’re the guide who didn’t show up _

...what’s the point. 

_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

_ Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?  _

_ I know, because there’s Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don’t even know, and doesn’t know me. Maybe if I could just talk to her. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different.  _

_ I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?  _

_ Sincerely,  _

_ Your most best, and dearest friend, Me _

[WOULD YOU LIKE TO PRINT THIS DOCUMENT?]

>YES

NO

[PRINTING...PLEASE WAIT]

[YOUR DOCUMENT HAS BEEN PRINTED. PLEASE COLLECT IT AT PRINTER 5] 

Evan stared down at his letter. His therapist gave him this stupid letter writing assignment to help him think about the positive things about each day and yet here he was with the most pessimistic letter yet. If anyone else found this, they’d probably think it was a suicide letter. Heck, if he handed this in he would definitely get safety checked. 

Evan folded the letter carefully and tucked it into the pocket of his hoodie. It was a black with some brand that he’d never heard of and was couple sizes too big. His dad had sent it for his birthday over the summer even though it was blazing hot and Evan never liked the colour black or hoodies. But it was the thought mattered, right?

It had still been hot that morning and probably wasn’t a good idea to wear when he was walking to school but the sleeves were big enough to fit over his cast so no one would see it. Yes his mom suggested to have some people sign it but who would even bother? Most people either didn’t realise he existed or thought he was Jared. 

Jared, if he saw it, would have made a joke about Evan breaking his arm through mastrubation and wouldn’t sign it because they were just ‘family friends’. Then Jared would have made another joke when Evan told him he broke his arm after falling out of a tree and call him acorn or something. If he wore a hoodie, at least Jared would make Hot Topic jokes instead of tree jokes. He never liked Jared’s teasing but it was better than Jared ignoring his existence like in middle school. During those moments, Evan could pretend that they were still friends.

But Evan hadn’t see Jared all day. No one had. He’d been mistaken for Jared enough times to be sure. Evan hadn’t even bothered to protest when the Jared’s classmates herded him into the wrong class or correct the teachers when they berated him for not answering for Jared’s name during roll call. Pretending to be Jared was easy enough, he’d know him for so long that slipping into his persona was like a sickening second nature. He couldn’t lie to Jared’s girlfriend or ex-boyfriend or any of Jared’s other  _ real  _ friends though. They vaguely knew who Evan was so he just lied about Jared being sick. 

Just like how he lied to Aunt Rachel about Jared offering him a ride or how he’ll have to lie to his mom when the school calls about him not being present when he actually was or about how he broke his arm. Lies lies and more lies. That was all Evan Hansen was, a giant liar. 

He should have climbed higher. 

Evan sat back at his computer at the library and logged off. He didn’t leave though. The library closed at six today and his mom wouldn’t be home until three in the morning. It was just past four so Evan had a bit under two hours before the librarians kicked him out. 

He just sat there, staring at the blank computer screen. No one would notice if he didn’t leave. No one would notice if he just disappeared.

* * *

 

Evan woke up to someone shaking him from behind. He blinked slowly as he wiped some drool from the side of his face. At least most of it was on his sleeve and not on the keyboard. His saliva could have damaged it and then the school would call his mom for destruction of school property and-

“Hey! I’m talking to you.”

“Oh, sorry.” Evan said, standing and turning to face the probably annoyed librarian who most likely just wanted to go home. Except it wasn’t a librarian. 

And there was Zoe Murphy with her indigo streaked hair and star scribbled jeans and a thoroughly pissed expression across her face. 

The clock behind her said it was four-thirty, barely fifteen minutes since Evan printed his letter. This was a dream. It had to be a dream. There was no way that  _ Zoe Murphy _ would talk to  _ Evan Hansen  _ of all people in the library afterschool of the first day.

“...and the car-”

Evan blinked slightly. “What car?” He asked, catching the tail end of her words. 

Zoe’s eyes narrowed and she crossed her arms. “ _ Your  _ car. Remember, that death trap of a rust bucket?”

“B-but I...I don’t have a car.” Evan didn’t even have a learner’s permit. Driving on the road was something that didn’t mix well with his anxiety. 

“...Are you high?”

“W-what?! No!” Evan spluttered. “I don’t...why would I even- and how…?”

However, Zoe didn’t look at all convinced. “So what’s my name?”

“Z-Zoe Murphy.”

“It’s...It’s-” Dammit, she was just asking for his name but now he was shaking and his face was going red and-

“You’re definitely high.” Zoe said with a resigned sigh. She grabbed his arm and started dragging him through the entrance. “C’mon, dad’s waiting for us in the parking lot. At least try  _ acting  _ sober until we get home. It’s bad enough I have to deal with your screaming matches over dinner…”

She continued to mumble under her breath all the way to front of the school. Evan was shoved into the back seat of a rather nice looking car while Zoe rode shotgun. 

The man in the driver’s seat had greying brown hair and wore a suit and looked nothing like what remembered of his father. Then again, Evan hadn’t seen his father since he left and mom had tucked away any and all photos of him. 

“We’ll talk at home.” The man said sternly.

Evan nodded stiffly and remained silent for the rest of the ride. 

They drove down his street and right past his house. Evan wanted to say that they passed it but he kept silent. The man didn’t look particularly happy and neither did Zoe. Besides, this was a dream right? They’ll probably be driving down the same street a dozen times until they stop... or they got into a car crash.

The car did eventually stop but it definitely wasn’t Evan’s driveway they pulled up in. It was a two storey house at the higher end of town that he had only seen in real estate magazines at the clinic’s waiting room. Maybe he had actually fallen asleep there? Evan did have an appointment after all. 

Evan exited the car slowly, surprised at how real this all felt. He half expect the ground to swallow him up or feel like jello or something but it was just solid hard pavement. 

“W-where are we?” Evan asked. 

“Home.” Zoe said, tugging him towards the door.

Evan accidently locked eyes with the stern man but quickly looked away. That sheer disappointment in his eyes was just soul crushing. 

“I don’t live here.” He muttered under his breath. 

“Well you do now.”

When he entered the house Evan found himself in a normal, if not highly furnished and completely unfamiliar,  living room. The dream was staying realistic for now. It was only a matter of time before it devolved into an abstract nightmare. 

A ginger-haired woman emerged from a doorway and caught Evan in a warm hug. She smelled like pasta and tomatoes, like Aunt Rachel after she made spaghetti bolognese. 

“The school called and said you weren’t in class.” She said after releasing him, sporting that concerned look he had seen all too often on his mom. 

“I-I...uh...I was in class! It’s just...It’s just that…” How was he supposed to explain that he had pretended to be someone else the entire day?

“Don’t bother, Cynthia.” The stern man said. “He’s still high.”

“What did I say about going to school high, Connor?!” the woman, Cynthia, exclaimed, shock and more disappointment painted across her face. 

“W-who’s Connor?”

Cynthia and the stern man traded one of  _ those  _ looks. The looks that couples had when they went over something dozens of times and it definitely didn’t look like a good one. 

Once again, Zoe was tugging at his sleeves and leading him up the stairs, saving Evan from what looked to be couple-on-the-brink-of-divorce fight. He knew those a little too well. 

“We’re going to our rooms!” Zoe yelled down. “Homework and stuff. Call us dinner’s ready!”

There was a beat before the argument started. Evan could make out the familiar words of “whose fault” and “I’m trying” and all those other phrases that his younger self had tried to drown out with loud truck noises. 

Zoe continued in silence, leading him further down the hallway until the voices muffled into almost nothing. She suddenly let go, causing Evan to stumble slightly. 

“What the fuck are you on, Connor?” She said, cold anger seething in her voice. 

Evan shrinked back, half expecting Zoe to transform into some sort of monster and eat him up. That was how these sort of dreams went, right?

“Come on, answer me.”

“Who’s Connor?” Evan said. 

Zoe took a couple steps back, her face twisting into a snide smile of annoyance and disbelief. “You don’t know?” 

Evan didn’t know what else to say. “Who’s Connor?” He just repeated.

Then Zoe laughed. Cold, harsh and full of venom. “Who’s Connor?  _ You’re  _ Connor.” She yelled. “Connor fucking Murphy, my stupid stoner of an older brother who’s tearing this damn family apart!” And she disappeared behind a door, slamming it behind her. 

Evan stood there for a moment, staring at the closed door. Now would be about the time something happened. The world warping, everything floating, him actually waking up. But nothing. It was like reality. Except this time people actually saw him...and found him the source of all their problems. 

He slumped back against the opposite wall and crumpled to the ground, pulling up his hood. 

Connor Murphy.

Connor Murphy.

That was the name of Zoe’s older brother, right? 

But he wasn’t Connor Murphy. He was Evan Hansen, right? This was all just a big dream. One big screwy dream. 

But what if he was Connor Murphy and Evan Hansen was just a dream? That everything he remembered, everything about Evan, was one big fucking lie and that this was reality.

He felt for his cast through his fabric. It was still there, solid and real. By some stroke of luck, Zoe had been leading him around by his good arm. Or made she did know about his broken arm and was doing that on purpose. 

Evan was still wearing his favourite striped polo under the hoodie. Jared thought it was lame that Evan had worn the same thing for the past five years, how his wardrobe was nothing but copies of the same outfit, but lame was consistent and boring and safe. But was that polo also Connor’s favourite shirt? Did he have dozens of blue polos and brown khakis like Evan or was this just the one outfit that carried into his dreams? 

If Evan Hansen was a dream, Jared having the same face made a whole lot more sense. Jared was possibly a manifestation of his thoughts, his conscience maybe. Or maybe he really was Jared Kleinman. Jared dreaming that he was Evan dreaming that he was Connor. 

He was nodding off again. Maybe if he fell asleep, he would wake up as someone else. A Michael or a Ben or a Will.

Then there was a shout and Zoe’s door opened. 

“You’ve just been sitting here?” She asked. He saw that her eyes were red and puffy, she must have been crying. 

He nodded. “Are you okay?” He asked. 

There was a brief moment of something, hesitation or disbelief or something else, before Zoe scowled. “Since when have you cared?” She spat. 

“Since now.” He said, standing up. If he was Connor, then he was Zoe’s older brother. “I want to get better.”

She looked at him oddly, like he told her the punchline without a joke, before shaking it off and walking back down the hallway. He followed, slouching in on himself so not to bump anything. That was an Evan thing but maybe it was also a Connor thing too?

Dinner was a vegan gluten free lasagna made by Cynthia, or his mom he guessed. If Cynthia was his mom, what did that make is other mom? What would that make Heidi Hansen? Another figment of his imagination? His stomach churned at the thought. No, that couldn’t be right. 

He continued to shovel food down his throat, not really tasting anything, while listening to the stern man, his dad now he guessed, talk about his day. Thinking of the stern man as dad wasn’t as bad as thinking of Cynthia as mom. Evan never had a dad. Dad was a lawyer, apparently, and they moved to the town because he was also the teacher of a paralegal class. A name came to him. Larry Murphy. Evan’s mom had said that he was going to be her new teacher, so that was probably right?

“Connor!”

He jolted upright at the sound of the name. That was his name but it felt so foreign. Like being called Jared. He still liked Evan better. 

“Yeah?” he said, pushing around a lump of tomato on his plate. 

“Stop playing with your food.” Dad said. “Have you been listening?”

He dropped his fork and sat up. “Sort of. Something about this being our last move and...uh - I should start applying to get into a law or commerce course?”

Then everyone was staring at him. Shock, disbelief and surprise. Did he say the wrong thing? He answered normally, or at least normal for Evan. Maybe normal for Connor was something different? 

“You were  _ actually  _ listening.” Zoe said slowly. 

“W-was I not supposed to listen?”

Zoe gave a short forced laugh. “Only if it means you knew what to swear at.”

“No swearing at the table.” That was a rule at the Hansen dinner table, before his father had left, to stop any arguments from breaking out. It still remained in tack, to some extent. When mom, no Heidi -  _ no  _ mom, would actually have dinner with Evan they would come up with substitute swear words:  _ shoot, goal ducks, frogs  _ and  _ hats.  _

Zoe went back to her plate, still eyeing him cautiously like he was acting off. Maybe he was acting off for Connor, he was feeling more Evan than ever at the moment. 

He looked down at his own plate. It was empty. Evan hadn’t eaten anything at school, maybe Connor had done the same?   
“Can I have more please?” He asked.

Mom-Cynthia’s face broke from shock to delight as she heaped another serving of lasagna onto his plate. 

“So, honey, if you were in class, why did the school call?” she asked suddenly. 

He felt his hands starting to sweat as he stumbled with words trying to explain. A very  _ very  _ Evan thing. “I...I wasn’t actually  _ in  _ class for the first two periods. I uh...was in the bathroom. But Alana! Um, Alana Beck, she’s in a lot of my classes and I asked her for the work I missed and she told me about her summer volunteer work and how her grandma broke her hip and uh...well for the other classes...I guess I was too nervous to answer during role call? And since no one really knows me - well…”

He trailed off, returning to pick at his food. Mom-Cynthia, however, looked pleased with his answer.

“Just don’t be so afraid next time, dear.”

“Bullshit.” Zoe said suddenly. 

“What was that, young lady?” Mom-Cynthia said.

Zoe stood from her chair, her eyes fixed on him. “I call bullshit on this.”

“Sit down, Zoe.” Dad said. 

“No. Something is fucking up and you know it. He,” She threw an accusatory finger in his direction. “Was high as fuck this morning and didn’t even show when our student guide,  _ Alana Beck,  _ was supposed to show us around yet he somehow found his way to class?”

“There are lots of students in a school, he could have asked someone else. Maybe Connor’s finally trying, Zoe.” Mom-Cynthia said. “Just try to be supportive-”

“And we’re just going to ignore that his car’s missing?!” Zoe screeched. “Or that he had no fucking clue who he was literally an hour ago or why his left arm is suspiciously bulky?!” 

And all eyes were back on him again, chills running down his spine. This was it. This was actually a dream - right, maybe, possibly?

“Take off your jacket, son.” Dad demanded and he immediately complied. Somehow, that heightened the suspicions of everyone else on the table. Then came the shock when the hoodie did come off. 

“Where did you get the shirt?” Mom-Cynthia asked.

“Shirt? Where did the fucking cast come from?!” Zoe exclaimed. 

“I-I...I-I…” His voice was starting to hitch and his throat was constricting. Breathing was getting harder and harder and he fell off of his chair. 

“Connor!”

No, he wasn’t Connor Murphy. No, he was  _ definitely  _ Evan Hansen. This wasn’t a dream. This was just another damn stupid  _ lie.  _ He should have realised that something was up when  _ Zoe Murphy,  _ who didn’t even know Evan Hansen, came up to him. He should have told he wasn’t Connor. He should have never followed Zoe home and gotten into her dad’s car or eaten her mom’s pasta.

“What’s going on?!”

“C’mon, just breathe. Please, keep breathing.” 

_ *ring* *ring* _

No, he should have climbed higher.  

_ *ring* *ring* _

“Call the ambulance!”

“Someone get the damn phone!”

_ *ring* *ring* _

He should have climbed higher.

_ *ring* *ring* *click* _

“This better be important!...What do you mean?! He’s right here!...But how?...”

Something was pressed against his ear.  _ “Evan, honey?” _

“M-m-mom?” Evan choked, latching onto the familiar voice. 

_ “Just breathe, honey. Listen to me, no one else. In through the nose, out through the mouth, in through the nose, out through the mouth....” _

Eventually, Evan was able to even out his breathing. He sat up slowly with Mrs Murphy and Zoe at his side while Mr Murphy was talking to mom over the phone about where the  _ real  _ Connor was. 

“I’m sorry.” Evan said. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so  _ so  _ sorry-”

Mrs Murphy started rubbing circles into his back. “It’s okay, dear. It’s just a mistake.”

“B-but I...but I should have told you. I should have said I wasn’t Connor-”

“And we wouldn’t have believed you.” Zoe interjected. 

“W-why?”

“Connor’s always saying crazy things. If you said you weren’t Connor, we wouldn’t have thought it was just one of his moods and-”

“But why?” Evan found himself cutting in. “Why wouldn’t you believe what Connor said?”

Both women fell silent. 

“Okay...yes...we’re on our way.” There was a slight beep as Mr Murphy hung up. “We’re going to the hospital.”

Mr Murphy walked out, his wife following close behind him. 

“So you’re Evan, right?” Zoe said, helping him to his feet.

He found the words tumbling out again. “Evan, uh yes - I’m Evan. Sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?”

“Because you said Evan then I said Evan and then - uh, sorry.”

She giggled slightly, light and happy for once. “You apologize a lot.”

“Sor - I, mean...uh, yeah.”

She smiled at him, a subtle thing that danced into her eyes and was all so real. “I’m Zoe Murphy.”

Evan couldn’t help but smile back. “I know.”


	4. Epilogue

Jared kept his distance when he saw the Murphy family. They had already gone through the troubles in finding one kid that looked like their Connor, another would probably be a little too much for one day. He also noticed that same doctor from ten years ago enter Connor’s room after the Murphys about an hour or so later, giving them some time to talk with their son, for “it’s just a genetic anomaly! No one has been cheating on anyone” speech. That had been an annoying and confusing experience back then and it was sure to be the same again if he were to listen in. 

For some who just tried to off himself, Connor had been surprisingly stable. It was shocking how he was able to regain consciousness so quickly and remained lucid enough to confirm that, no he was not Evan, which had left him down one tree-loving anxious lookalike and up one snarky suicidal lookalike. It really was a stroke of luck that the Murphys managed to pick up Evan thinking he was Connor saving them the trouble of hunting him down and-

And Jared was just stalling now, wasn’t he?

Jared sighed and rounded the corner to the cafeteria where Aunt Heidi and Evan were having a quiet supper of greasy takeout and not-so-shitty hospital food and fuck - when did Evan break his  arm? 

_ Probably while you were ignoring him over the summer,  _ said a snide voice in his head. 

Which was - true...but if he did know that Evan had a cast he wouldn’t have mistaken Connor for him and guy would actually be dead which...still wasn’t an excuse for being a complete asshole to his once-best friend.

He watched as Aunt Heidi stood up and give Evan a gentle peck on the forehead before disappearing off for the rest of her shift, the slight smile on his face fading as his mother sight. Damn, if there was one thing Jared had to say he hated about Aunt Heidi, it was the fact that she had to work so hard for Evan that she could never actually be there for him. Jared knew that he would go crazy if he didn’t know his parents would always be just an arm’s reach away. Evan didn’t have that for a long time. Once a upon a time, Evan had Jared as a best friend to rely on but then his best friend grew up into the shitty asshole of a person that he was today.

Just talk to him. Go up there and take it like a man. 

Yet Jared found himself rooted to the spot, the fear of rejection overtaking him, which by the way was completely irrational because he knew that Evan Hansen didn’t have a mean bone in his entire body. 

_ “It’s too fucking late.”  _

Those were Connor’s words, not Evan’s, but at the time Jared had thought he was talking to Evan. That Evan had given up on life, that it was Evan who thought the only way to solve things was to overdose and throw himself out of a tree. 

Why had this so much easier when someone’s life was on the line?  

Taking a deep breath, Jared plastered on a wide grin and approached Evan’s table. 

“So back on the parent stealing track, ey?” Jared joked.

But Evan flinched when he  heard him and started spluttering. “J-Jared! I-I-I...I didn’t mean too! I...uh, well - I was an ac-accident! I think...and umm-”

Jared wanted to grimace but kept his face straight. “It was just a joke.” he said lightly but then again, he knew that Evan didn’t take those kind of jokes well. 

“Oh, yeah.” Evan muttered, bowing his head to avoid eye contact. 

“So looks like we have another twin.” Jared said, taking the seat opposite to Evan. If there was one thing that neither of them needed at the moment, it was awkward silence. “Looks like it’s not so ‘one-in-a-gazillion’ like the doc said.”

“Yeah...Connor Murphy…” Evan didn’t stutter but the name seemed to choke in his mouth. Had he met Connor before?

Jared just nodded, trying to stop the conversation from dying before it started. “He seems like a pretty decent guy. Probably emo by the way he dresses but…” Evan’s eyes were drifting off again, slowly disengaging from reality. “...but I think he might have a tree kink too.”

That caught Evan’s attention, causing him to lock eyes with Jared and splutter again, “I do not have a tree kink!” 

They both winced at Evan’s volume, one mirroring the other in a way that they hadn’t done in a long time. Then they were quiet with the dreaded silence settling between them. 

“So...uh, I got your homework for today a-and...and some class notes too.” Evan said finally. 

“Oh, thanks.” So that meant Evan went the entire day with people thinking he was Jared then got taken by the Murphys thinking he was Connor. Nice. Jared couldn’t find it in himself to be mad, he was the one who bailed school to chase the wrong lookalike through an abandoned orchard. 

“And um...your friends - uh, your girlfriend and that other girl and guy and short guy with the red streak and- umm…”

“So Jen, Chris and the rest of the theatre kids?”

“Y-yeah! Them...they said something about a project you guys were talking about over the summer and- so yeah. I...I also said you were sick so your girlfriend uh...Jen, right?...wanted to know if you were still up for that d-d-date and...um-”

“Don’t worry, I’ll text them later.” Jared said, cutting Evan off. There was a sick pit growing in his stomach, hearing Evan talk about the friends Jared had ditched him for. They were all pretty nice, not as close has he had once been with Evan but still good people. They probably would have been pretty good friends to Evan too if Jared hadn’t kept him at arm’s length. Jared wasn’t even really dating Jennah, it was more like a label so they could get some actual work done on the school newsletter without other people bothering them...like the whole fake-date thing with Rich to get him together with Jake, which somehow worked…

“Y’know, you could join too.” Jared said suddenly. 

“Um- W-what?”

“The project thing with the others.” Not quite an apology but more of an invitation to hang out again. “Chris came up with this wacky idea for a musical after the whole Shakespeare-zombie play fell apart last year and I got hooked in to write the music.”

“B-but y-you know th-that I-”

“You don’t have to be on stage. You could help out like with sets and costumes or with the actual songs!” 

“B-but…”

Evan was mumbling and stuttering again but Jared kept pushing. He couldn’t find the words to say ‘sorry’ but maybe he could push Evan forward before either of their thoughts got to them. “Evan, you’re a prodigy when it comes to catchy lyrics. Remember,  _ ‘cause all that it takes is a little re-in-ven-tion-” _

_ “It’s easy to change when you give it your at-ten-tion.”  _ Evan continued, a slight smile dancing on his lips that Jared couldn’t help but mimic. 

_ “All you gotta do-” _

_ “-Is just believe you can be who you want to be-” _

_ “Sincerely me.”  _ They sang together, followed by a pair of identical laughs from them both. Jared was surprised that he still remembered that little verse from back Evan lived three towns over. Maybe a bit of reinvention was what they both needed at the moment. 

“So when are you planning on heading home?” Jared asked.

“W-well…” Evan looked behind him down the hall. “I...I was thinking of j-just hanging around until mom f-finishes...y’know?”

“Yeah, well that’s another...four hours.”

“I...I don’t mind waiting…”

“Or you can sleepover at my place, you know that my mom or your mom won’t mind. We could, I don’t know, pirate a movie, deface some textbooks...I’m pretty sure there’s some leftover pasta we could nuke…”

“Uh...no pasta thanks…”

“Okay, bathbomb sandwiches it is!”

“Jared no!”

Jared never did get around to apologising for five years of assholery nor did he ever find out how Evan broke his arm but he did have the best sleepover of his life and a friendship that was getting back on track. 

* * *

Coming home after a month at hospital was like coming to a place rebuilt after a hurricane or rather two hurricanes. One was him, of course, there’s no way things were going to stay the same after he tried offing himself. Pills were kept in a locked cabinet, knives were counted, his parents would stop by his room every couple hours to check on him...Connor was surprised that he still had a door and a surveillance camera hadn’t been installed in his room. 

But for all the extra caution, there was something else. When he was having an off day, they didn’t immediately assume that he was high. Cynthia still gave him shit about the weed but there were times when she’d just let him smoke, the exact times when things were just getting too much for him. Zoe didn’t walk around him like he was a ticking time bomb, a little wary but not like he was going to pull a knife on her at any moment, and actually introduced him to some of her friends in a non-”he’s a complete psycho” sort of way. Larry...Larry was actually listening for once, instead of assuming the worst straight off the bat. 

It seemed that everyone was actually giving him a measure of doubt, that they would give him a chance to believe him. 

Therapy also help. There were the compulsory sessions after Connor was pulled off suicide watch but afterwards...Larry actually  _ asked  _ if Connor needed more. 

Like what fucking happened to his family during his six hours in hospital?

Evan Hansen, apparently. Another doppleganger that did  _ something  _ to his family that made them treat him like an actual person and not some wild animal. 

Connor had kept in touch with Jared, they shared a surprising amount of classes together and clone number one had quite literally saved his life after all. Besides, for all the threats and insults they threw at each other, Connor had grown to like their banter.

It took awhile to get used to having someone else have the same face but he found it to be a non-issue as long as he didn’t wear anything red or blue to school (not that he wore those colours often) and mix ups didn’t happen as often as he expected them to. 

Still, nearly halfway through the semester, Connor had seen neither hide nor hare of Evan Hansen. 

“It’s like he’s avoiding me.” Connor vented to Jared. They were in Jared’s room, blowing off a partner project for Jared to try and teach him some trading card game. 

“You sure? He could just be hiding in your shadow. Evan tends to do that sometimes.” Jared replied, brandishing his hand of cards. “Once I thought he was missing then took a step back and fell right on top of him. Also, you can only normal summon once per turn.” 

Connor grumbled but placed the card back in his hand. “I think he’s scared of me or something.”

“Why would you think that?” Jared said, sending two orange cards to the graveyard to pull out a white card. How he did so, Connor had no idea. He was certain Jared had been fudging some rules since they started the game. 

“He had dinner with my family while they thought he was me. If that’s not enough to think I’m a total monster, I don’t know what is.” 

“Haven’t you and your folks been getting along better?” 

“I guess.” Connor said, then he swore as Jared’s white card monster took out one of his own, bringing his points closer to zero. “But it’s still fucking weird. I swear Hansen must have cast a spell on them or replaced them with robots or something.”

“Ha! If Evan could do that, he would have filled your house with trees first and installed some solar panels or something. Also, you can’t do that.” Jared said as Connor stacked what was left of his monster cards on top of one another. 

“Why not?” Connor growled. “That’s what you did.”

“They have to be the same level to do that. Besides, it’s still my turn.”

“But you summoned that white card thing on  _ my  _ turn.”

“Yeah, because my field spell lets me.”

“Y’know what, I fucking give up.” Connor said, throwing his cards onto the mat. “Who cares about a stupid card game. Besides, I’m pretty sure you were cheating the entire time.” 

Jared clutched his chest in a fake gasp. “And ruin my integrity as a duellist? I would never!”

“Cut the drama, Kleinman.” Connor groaned. “That’s your girlfriend’s thing.”

“Actually, that’s my girlfriend’s girlfriend’s thing.”

“How does that even fucking work?”

“Hey Jared? Did you still have my- Connor!” And in entered Evan Hansen.

“Hey Evan!” Jared greeted but Connor found himself frozen in the spot. 

He didn’t know what he was expecting from Evan Hansen but elbow length gardening gloves, a straw sunhat and a grubby yellow t-shirt on an identical clone was not what he was expecting. At least Connor knew now never to wear yellow.

Evan Hansen seemed frozen in a similar position, seemingly caught between running away or fainting. 

Jared hummed. “If the two of you got together, would it count as incest?” 

Evan’s spluttering was drowned out by Connor’s “The fuck Kleinman?!”

Jared grinned as he adjusted his glasses. “The way you two have been dancing around each other could be classed as pinning.” His grin then grew wider. “But then again,a certain someone has eyes for a different-”

“Jared!” 

“I’m just telling the truth!”

“You don’t have the right to tell it!” Then Evan’s gaze fell on him. “So uh...yeah. Connor Murphy.”

“Evan Hansen.” Connor replied. 

“Don’t you guys have it the wrong way around?”  Jared said. 

“Shut up Jared.” They both said, though Connor might have added something extra.  

Jared threw his arms up in surrender and stood up. “Fine, fine. I can see when I’m not wanted. I’ll be in the kitchen. Evan, your poison’s in the top drawer to the right.” And the nuisance left. 

And Connor immediately wanted Jared back because now there was nothing to buffer the awkwardness between him and Evan.

“So...poison?” Connor asked. 

“O-oh...it’s just some weed killer. N-not actual poison ‘cause the local council bought out the Autumn Smiles Orchard and wanted to turn it into a park so they’re asking for volunteers. It’s just the one-”

“The orchard at the edge of town, I know.” Of course Connor would remember the place where he tried offing himself.

“So yeah.”

“Right.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah.”

“Uh...do you want to come?”

Connor blinked. “What?”

Evan blushed immediately and Connor couldn’t help but feel the second-hand embarrassment when his entire face went red. “You don’t have too! It’s...It’s just that I - uh, I didn’t mean to be avoiding you all this time, that just happened by accident because I didn’t want to impose on anyone and with Mr and Mrs Murphy and make it awkward for everyone and-”

“Sure.” Connor answered with a slight shrug.

That put a stop to the rambling. “W-what?”

“I’ll come. It’s not like I’ve got anything to do other than lose to Kleinman at a stupid card game.”

“Umm...Jared kind of cheats because when you synchro summon - uh, play the white cards, you need to get the levels exact but Jared always goes a couple levels over…”

“Ha! I knew it! He was fucking cheating!”

Jared ended up tagging along too, acting as their ride to the orchard and insisting that they stop for ice cream on the way there. Connor didn’t know jackshit about gardening and he was pretty sure he spilt blood to summon something on the orchard, but all in all it wasn’t that bad of a day. 

Maybe fighting for his life was a fight that he could actually win.

* * *

_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

_ Today’s been an amazing day and there might just be a chance that it might just be an amazing week and maybe an amazing year too and here’s why. _

_ Today’s the day the orchard reopened and there was a whole festival held to celebrate. It was a lot of hard work but it was a great time to hang with friends (even though Jared and Connor spent half the time throwing rotten apples at each other). _

_ Zoe performed at the festival and she was amazing like always. My hands are still sweaty and I still stutter and stumble over my words but she’s okay with that. Jared keeps telling me to ask her out and Connor’s given his blessing (after the terrifying ‘big brother speech’) but I don’t know yet. I have feelings for Zoe, yes, but I’m not sure that they’re romantic and I look just like her brother so that would make dating very awkward so,well yeah. Right now I’m happy that we’re friends.  _

_ Jared and I are friends again, which is great, well more than great, amazing. He’s still a bit well...Jared and he isn’t the most tactful but that’s part of who he is and I’ve missed it.  _

_ There’s also Connor now too. I was a bit,or maybe a lot, scared of him before and I thought he would be mad about me lying to his parents but in the end he’s a really nice person. Sure, he has his problems but who doesn’t? I would be the last person to judge him for something like that.   _

_ I won’t say that everything is perfect, it never will be, but we’re getting there. I’m not alone anymore. I’m me and that’s all that matters right? _

_ Sincerely, _

_ Your one of many friends, _

_ Me _

**_PS I still think Zoe Murphy has a hot ass_ **

_ JARED! _


End file.
